Rediscovering who I was to figure out who I am becoming, and witchy little risks 41-50
During this last set of little risks, I started reading The Taschen Library of Esoterica volume on Witchcraft, and a passage by Jessica Hundley jumped out at me: “[Witchcraft] can be explored in a myriad of manners, through activism and rebellion, meditation and movement, or cathartic works of art. As Starhawk states in The Spiral Dance, ‘There are two kinds of power. One is power over, which is always destructive, and the other is power from within, which is a transcendent and creative power.’ With that in mind, perhaps the most magickal act of all is the ongoing discovery of ourselves.”
The last line rang in my head like a bell – magick and witchcraft open up this beautiful possibility of discovering ourselves at every moment; with witchcraft, we get to major in ourselves in the school of life. In this witchy little journey of mine, there have been many moments of self-discovery, of integrating new experiences with gratitude, of releasing what no longer serves me with love – and really this work is the project of a whole life. There will always be more to learn, integrate, and release.
With the knowledge that I am a different version of myself now than I ever was, I started to think about past versions of me with a touch of regret, a hint of judgment. I mourned the fact that I wasn’t as far along on the journey then as I am now. I knew it was time to reframe this judgment and be curious about some of these past versions of myself instead. I wanted to remember what was important to me at age 10, what I thought about at 18 – who the heck have I been before now? (This is a good plug for journaling for future me – making a mental note…)
In this endeavor to remember who I was, I visited my childhood bedroom and then Ben, my friend from high school with whom I had lost contact. These experiences, more than anything, showed me there was good in me back then, even some good that I had forgotten along the way. The clay sculptures I made that decorated my bedroom, the treasures and gifts from other people I knew were important to keep, the kind and brilliant friend I had earned – I had lost these until now.
As much as I wish I had stayed in contact with Ben or I had found a way to hone my sculpting skills rather than let them atrophy, there is nothing I regret; I can go back and revisit these parts of me and carry them forward now. Self-discovery doesn’t have to be linear. We have the great privilege to move forward and have novel experiences to grow, but we can also choose to revisit our past and reclaim the parts of us we’ve forgotten and integrate these too. We are all of it all at once – past, present, and future – and what an amazing thing.
I wonder, what is something of your past self you feel that you would like to reclaim?
Witchy little risks 41-50:
#41 – Chair yoga with Len Mackey – After my hot yoga experience with lots of tired, thirsty breaks and feelings of discomfort and doubt, I was disinclined to do any more yoga, but I KNOW how many benefits there are. Thus I was determined to try it again, albeit in a different form. My sister-in-law recommended a video called Tiny House Chair Yoga with Len Mackey, a one-of-a-kind gem of man who runs a school called Ancient Earth Skills, where he teaches folks to have a greater connection to the land, to the spirit world, and to themselves. I had met Len at the Roots Rendezvous at the end of the summer where he taught a class in how to move like various animals – his ability to leap like a frog is something to behold – and how to make various animal sounds – I am still in awe of how he finds this way to move people past self-criticism at making silly sounds and truly lean in to the experience. For Len and his sweet soul, it was worth the possible pain of getting burned by yoga again to give it a try. I am so glad I did. Len’s yoga is gentle, it’s full of love and humor (pretty sure he farts at one point in the video), and it inspired such a sense of ownership and agency over my breathing and body that I didn’t know I had been searching for. I highly recommend it if you are curious.
#42 – Go through stuff saved from my childhood – The main reason I wanted to go through my childhood bedroom is that I had this lovely meditation at the Radical Healing Festival in Hampton, NH last month with Allie Blaisdell from Pure Transcendence Healing. She took us through a meditation to meet our inner child, and we both gave to and received from our inner child a gift. What I received from my inner child was a green glass egg. This egg was familiar to me – it had been a gift from my maternal grandmother when I was around 9 years old. When she gave me this egg, it came with a piece of paper that said, “put in water,” and that was it. As a kid, I put this mysterious green glass egg in a glass of water in my closet and waited for something magical to happen. As far as I can remember, the only magick was that the water mildewed and it stunk up my closet before my mom found my little experiment and I had to disassemble it. But this egg meant more to me than just being a memory – it was proof that my grandmother had been curious too, or at least that she saw my fascination with something a little mysterious and honored it with this gift. This egg was familial validation of a spiritual life.
Mysterious green glass egg from my grandmother
Not only did I find this glass egg tucked away in a box in my closet, but I also discovered the fruits of my creative labor as a kid – the Sculpey clay figurines, the dolls and teddy bears I sewed by hand. Then there were the treasures I had saved. The card written on a napkin from a table full of strangers who wished me happy birthday when I turned 13, the yearbooks with kind well wishes from classmates and friends.
Childhood art
I had moment after moment of gratitude – for my past selves, for the people who shaped me along the way, and for my ability now to bravely take this walk into the past. There is such a distance yet to go, but there is so much beauty in every piece of the journey.
#43 – Fumbling to learn iMovie and video editing – My husband makes TV commercials for a living. He is excellent at it. I say this because I should have known how difficult and time-consuming it is to do video editing. I have started laying the groundwork for a podcast, and for this risk, I tried to edit a couple of short clips to put on Instagram. Holy cannoli was this a lift. The end products are far from masterpieces, but I guess the moral of this story is we have to start somewhere! This is a lesson in practice makes progress :)
#44 – Visit a friend I haven’t seen since high school – Ben was a close friend in my high school years, and when he graduated the year before I did, we lost touch – this was entirely my fault. Ben was studying neuroscience with a particular curiosity in psychedelic medicines, and when he shared what he had learned with me in the summer following my senior year in high school, I wasn’t ready to hear it yet. I put up walls, and in the years to come when he reached out, I didn’t respond – not because I didn’t care about him and our friendship, but because I was scared.
I had been wanting to reach out to Ben for a couple of months, suspecting that he would understand, or at least be sympathetic to, my new line of thought in the world of health and healing, but now I was scared that I had burned this bridge and he wouldn’t want to chat with me.
Completely undeserving of his time and friendship, Ben ultimately was the one who reached out to me… again! After I posted on Linked In about my move away from pharmacy, he sent me a message – I will forever be humbled by this generosity. Seeing Ben was a total homecoming, a reconnection with a part of myself I had lost. He is brilliant, kind, and lovely. I am grateful for this rekindled friendship, grateful for Ben, and grateful for the past version of myself who was worthy of making this friend.
#45 – Try a new plant medicine – As a pharmacist, I have been following the recent trials with psychedelic medicines. There is so much data showing how these medicines can, in the right context and with the right mindset, help people heal from trauma – PTSD, treatment-resistant depression, end of life existential anxiety, the list goes on. I have also become curious about these medicines from a spiritual angle. So many of these medicines are sacraments in ceremonies across the world. I found a church in Massachusetts that received a religious exemption to administer psilocybin as a sacrament, and after months of thinking about it, I reached out to them to learn more.
While their year was wrapping up (they hold ceremonies only in spring-fall), they had one microday remaining. I signed up to join this event, a day in which folks could participate in a ceremony and experience a very small dose of medicine.
The day was beautiful, a warm sunny fall afternoon, and the company was even more lovely. The dose I took was considered sub-perceptual, a dose that you wouldn’t consciously register (no hallucinations or rocket launches!), but it works in the background to allow for greater neuroplasticity and new neural connections to form. I went in with the intention to reconnect with my creativity after being reminded of the art I had made with my hands in my childhood. I was determined to create something like this again. I brought a bin full of clay, and I did indeed make something – a simple flower. This felt like a victory. I had been hung up on not being able to make creations like I used to, but the thing is, I knew I would only get back there by trying something and starting somewhere.
The best part of the experience, though, was finding a new community. I have been searching for people who want to be vulnerable, curious, and compassionate, who are comfortable talking about how they’ve grown and how they still want to grow, who are optimistic about how we move forward together as a species, as a planet. I found all of this. One of the other attendees said there should be a sign that says “deep talk only,” for these events – amen, brother.
#46 – Lift hands off handle bars when riding my bike – I am a bit of a nervous nelly when it comes to physical risks. I was not young when I learned how to ride a bike, and I was 21 when I finally got my driver’s license. I’m sure there are other interesting things to learn about myself from these facts, but my present takeaway is that I know anything to do with movement and place in space is a growth edge for me.
My husband and I bought bicycles last year, and we had a great time exploring bike trails in the area and getting some good exercise together. He is a confident, practiced biker – so comfortable in any situation. I am a novice on the bike, but willing to learn. My whole life, I haven’t been able to lift my hands from the handlebars or stand up, fearing poor balance and falling. This day, I lifted each of my hands and my tookus off the bike (one at a time), and guess what – I didn’t fall! It was a nice lesson in the power of intention and my ability to grow in this most difficult area for me.
#47 – Get hands moving in creative pursuit – Another theme throughout these last 10 risks has been reconnecting with my creativity. I have found that I do best from a creative perspective when I have something specific to be creative for. As a kid, it was school projects and handmade gifts, and most recently, it has been making decorations for parties, like my wedding and an annual Halloween party. I took some time away from my business to get my hands dirty, literally dirty with paint and glue and stuff, and make some things for this year’s Halloween party.
I didn’t make any masterpieces, but it felt so good to get paint under my nails, and it’s another little step to living a life that includes creating. Also, I’m happy with the way the party looked in the end :)
Adult art
#48 – Throw party with theme of discovering your “inner witch”- I throw a Halloween party every year and generally go all out in trying to create a vivid visual experience. In the past I have relied on a ready-made theme – Disney’s Hocus Pocus last year and Haunted Mansion the year before that. This year, I had a few challenges – 1) not to buy any decorations (for the environment and my bank account), 2) to do a theme from my own brain, and 3) to make this a psychological experience as much as a visual one
1) I succeeded in not buying any decorations, and this was a tremendous victory. I used what I had and made the rest!
2) The theme was “Your Inner Witch” – I left this open to interpretation to partygoers, and there were some fun takes! My friend Alex was a sand”wich,” my husband went as James Bond, a powerful intuitive witch, my bestie Kristina as a gorgeous green witch, and my bestie Katie was Mrs. Frizzle, a beloved teacher witch. It was awesome to see people lean in to the experience in so many creative ways.
3) Given the fact that I have found a home in the world of the witch, I wanted to share some of what gets me excited about this mindset with my friends. To this end, I included a few of my favorite witchy quotes, a handful of questions to spark self-exploration, and some of my personal mirror affirmations in the décor of the party. I also left out some tarot and oracle decks for folks to peruse if curious. My favorite thing though, was leaving white board markers in the bathroom for people to write on the mirror an answer to the question: “What do you love most about your physical body?”
Our altar
#49 – Share tarot and oracle decks with party-goers who do not identify as witches – In leaving some tarot and oracle decks out for the Halloween party, I was hoping people might be curious about what they are all about. Sure enough, there was a moment during the evening when a crew of us gathered around the dining room table, and I was able to share what I love about tarot. For me, tarot has been a way to unlock different perspectives on situations. We often have set ways of viewing the world, and it’s hard to see other angles. When I ask a question like, “what have I not considered about such and such?” or “what should I keep in mind about this or that?” and pull a card, I am getting a take on the situation that I likely hadn’t considered, or reinforcement of my intuition about what I was already feeling. Whether you take tarot as a spiritual practice or a mental health or self-care exercise, I think it is hugely valuable for accessing perspectives that are not your default ones and popping out of rigid thought patterns.
#50 – Book a retreat to generate a community of people connecting with their creativity – my dream is to have a space where people can gather in community at any time during the waking hours to fill their spiritual cups. One day, I will have a physical place for people to learn, to be compassionate, to be curious, and to support each other; it will be called Third Space. Until I have this physical space, I am trying to evaluate decisions about how I spend my time and resources based on whether they support this ultimate goal. I have realized a beautiful thing – I can start building Third Space before I have an address for it. I can create experiences anywhere for people to join in this safe and loving community.
I have also had my recent experience of reconnecting with my creative side. For witchy little risk number 50, I found a way to both be my own medicine (share with others what worked for me for moving past my creative block) AND create an experience very much in the spirit of Third Space – I had the idea to plan a retreat, a gathering of folks in physical space, for people to reconnect with their creative spark.
During this 10-risk stretch, I met a drama teacher who shared with me that she had led a retreat at a retreat center in Duxbury, MA and had a great time. This felt synchronistic. I reached out to the Retreat Center, connected with the loveliest manager of the site named Jeanne, and took a drive down to visit. Not surprisingly, it is gorgeous. I booked it, and now I am manifesting the community to share the weekend with!
Gorgeous view from lawn at Cedar Hill Retreat Center
Big beautiful porch with rocking chairs at Cedar Hill Retreat Center